Hadrian's Colony: Chapter One, Part Two

 Notes: Back in the saddle again...woot!

Title: Hadrian's Colony: Chapter One, Part Two

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Chapter One, Part Two

 

“Where do you want to go once we get there?”

Kieron looked over at Elanus, who was sipping from a glass as he idly rocked his chair back and forth in front of the control panel. His legs, average length for a Ganian but a good foot longer than Kieron’s, at least, were crossed at the ankles. His beard was freshly shaved, the elegant designs in it and up the sides of his head crisp and clean. The rest of his hair was still a little wet—Catie was excellent at recycling water, and made it so they could have regular showers instead of the low-water or sonic versions he’d gotten used to over the years.

Stars, he was so beautiful. Kieron didn’t think that about a lot of people, and he’d been surprised when he first woke up to realize that that was one of the first thoughts he figured out about the man. He thought he was beautiful. Looking back at his scanty logs from the first time around had been illuminating in that regard; it was clear that Elanus Desfontaines had spread through the corners of Kieron’s heart like an invasive species. He was still there, even though Kieron was kind of confused as to why.

Why did they work? Why was their relationship even possible? They’d been through terrible things and done terrible things together, but why was that enough to bind two people’s emotions? They were so different. Gania had proven that; Kieron had rarely felt so instantly uncomfortable in a place as he had in Elanus’s beautiful, expensive home. He belonged in simpler places. He belonged in…

“Kieron?”

“Sorry,” he said reflexively, coming back to himself to see Elanus’s bright eyes staring at him with concern. “I, um. The central compound is probably the place to start. That’s where the barracks were, so…”

“The barracks?” Elanus tilted his head. “Not houses?”

“No. Nobody had an individual house, not even the general. It was all communal living.”

“The general, your grandfather.”

General Hadrian Carr. “Sir” for short. Never Grandpa, or Pops, or even Grandfather Carr. They always had to be formal when addressing him, even Kieron’s mother. He remembered the first time meeting the man, once he was brought out of the creche. It had been a terrifying experience; he’d been pulled out of the line of children, turned around, and beaten across the backside until he screamed with pain.

“Let this be a lesson to you all,” General Carr had told them. “There’s no favoritism on this colony. No connection to this child can be used to make me think better of you, so don’t try it.” He’d been shoved back into line after that, still crying, and swatted once more to stand upright. “And as for you.” His grandfather had stared down at him, disappointment clear in every line of his body. “I’d hoped you’d turn out better than your damn mother. Looks like I was wrong.”

Kieron’s mind shied away from the memory. “No, let’s start with the creche.”

Elanus nodded slowly. “All right. What exactly is the creche?”

“A creche is a gaaathering place for babies and young children while their parrrents are otherwise occupied,” Catie put in helpfully…and unnecessarily, because Kieron was sure Elanus knew the general word. “Reports indicate that the crrreche on Hadrian’s Colony was where chiiildren under the age of five werrre raised.”

“Under the age of five…and then what?”

“And then we were put to work,” Kieron muttered. “Like good little soldiers.”

Elanus’s curious expression melted into something much harder to deal with—compassion. Kieron turned away from it and stared out the viewscreen instead. They would be to the planet in another twelve hours. It didn’t feel like enough time. He wasn’t ready, but then again, he didn’t quite feel ready for any facet of his life right now. He wasn’t ready to look back and think about Zak’s death, he wasn’t ready to consider just how wonderful his life with Elanus must have been before Kieron broke it, he wasn’t ready to relive his fraught and abusive childhood…but at least his childhood was far in the past. He remembered getting a lot of therapy for it on Trakta, and some of it must have stuck with him, because he wouldn’t have suggested coming here if he was going to be out of his mind from the trauma the entire time.

You wanted to do this. Now you have to live with it. Make it worth your while. Make it worth his while. And worth being away from Xilinn and Pol and Lizzie. Lizzie kept sending little messages through his implant, nothing more than images of what she was up to or snippets from the news on Gania, but he appreciated it. It meant she was thinking about him.

He didn’t remember how they first met, but he knew he wanted her to be thinking about him. He knew he loved her, just like he loved Catie, just like he loved Elanus. They were in his heart, and he didn’t know how they’d gotten there. Surely it was too rotten to support more life, much less love, and yet…

“We don’t have to do this.”

Kieron looked up to see Elanus leaning forward, his glass forgotten. He stared intently at Kieron’s face, those bright eyes seeing way too much. “We don’t,” he repeated. “I know I got us effectively kicked off Gania for the time being—”

“I did that.”

“Bullshit, it was my fault and I know it, but that doesn’t mean you have to hurt yourself by coming back to this…to this awful place.” He spread his hands helplessly. “It’s pretty apparent that there’s nothing good waiting for you here. No joy, just pain. Why are you seeking out pain? Why are you trying to hurt yourself?”

I’m not, he wanted to say, but that was a lie. He wanted to be honest with his…Elanus. “I might never get my memories back,” he said at last. Elanus opened his mouth, but Kieron stopped him. “It’s likely I won’t, thanks to the head trauma. If I don’t, then…I need to know that I’ve dealt with the past. My past, I mean. If you and the girls really choose to be with me, you deserve to have a whole person. I don’t think I’ll feel completely whole until I get past the…well, the past, I guess. I need to know that nothing inside of me is going to come back to bite you, and that means I need to confront it head-on.”

Elanus sighed. “I don’t think that’s how trauma recovery works.”

“I’d ask my shrink, but.” But she was under investigation pending removal from Gania after her wife was found to have shared confidential files from her therapy practice. “We don’t have to stay long,” he added. “Just a few days. Let me get my bearings and know that I’ve left it all behind for good. Then we can go somewhere you pick out.”

“I’m holding you to that,” Elanus said. He sat back and drained his glass, then stood. “I’m heading for bed.” Unspoken was the request: “Will you join me?” Some nights Kieron did, others he didn’t. Tonight, though…

“Yes.”

Tonight he wanted to be with Elanus, whatever that looked like.